I guess I have still been hiding (or certainly not blogging).
And apparently the Tarot knows.
Choosing a card today for the new year, this is the one I got.
8 of Water
Water is the element of emotion, of feelings... but when emotions become too much or events become too overwhelming, we may close down, sink into the murky waters of depression... shutting out all input, sleeping too much, refusing to feel anymore, living in a floating state of denial and numbness. If you are in danger of dwelling in this place, be aware that once those dangerous waters are entered, it is very hard to emerge. Feel your feelings... awaken to your life.
Events did become too overwhelming in 2012, especially in these last few months. I did enter those dangerous waters and am facing how hard it is to emerge. I am grateful to my friends and family who have helped me.
I run from the word depression. No, no, no, I say. I am not depressed. Sylvia Plath was depressed. Not me. Yes, I know this is the other d -- denial. I am learning, though, the relationships between anxiety, anger, and depression. With one daughter on the autism spectrum, with comorbid anxiety, and another daughter with severe anxiety, I have been warned that as they make their way through adolescence, they are very vulnerable to depression. While I am still not comfortable calling what I am experiencing depression, I am finally comfortable admitting that I am overwhelmed. And I am finally comfortable asking for and accepting help.
One of the things that has been most overwhelming this year has been trying to get my daughters the help they need at school. I have been trying to do it all myself, and I have not been very successful. I realize that I will need help, and so I am looking into choosing a special education advocate and/or a lawyer. These things cost money, and I do not have much. One of the ways my friends and family have been generous and helpful has been contributing to my paypal fund. If you are in a place to add to that fund, I am very grateful. Thank you.
I have been thinking about the idea of choosing a word for the year, like my friends, Hecate and Uma, have sometimes done, instead of making a list of resolutions. Thinking about Community, Connection, Creativity, Career, Independence, Joy.
No wonder I am overwhelmed!
It looks like the Tarot is trying to tell me that Awaken is the word for me.
And so in 2013, I will Awaken to my life.
Tarot card from Lunaea's great Tarot deck.
Happy New Year!